#JointheConversation
Over the past week, I have been thinking about the Serenity Prayer and its connection to the Wizard of Oz. Some of you might be looking at your phone or computer and wondering if I have lost my mind again. I beg for your patience and to hear me out. This message was inspired by a share I heard at a 12-step meeting. The person who said it gave me permission to use it. So off we go.
God grant me the serenity
We all know the SerenityPrayer. “May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” And almost everyone knows the story of the Wizard of Oz or at least the movie version of the story. Dorothy is not happy with life on the farm, runs away, is swept up in a tornado, lands in a strange land, and gathers three companions on her journey to the Emerald City to meet the Wizard. On the way, she must deal with witches – good and bad – flying monkeys, and castle guards before she finds she always had the power to grant her wish of returning home.
We have always had the power to return home.
So, what does this story have to do with the Serenity Prayer, let alone recovery? In our active addictions we cannot find fulfillment, happiness, or peace in our lives. We run away and just when we realize that we have run too far we are swept up in the tornado/drug of our choice. Its path of destruction destroys the landscape of our lives and carries us far away. Thankfully, when the storm passes, we land in a new brightly colored world filled with sober people singing about the blessings of recovery. Yet our own work is just beginning.
We cannot walk the path alone.
There is a road we must follow with steps leading to the Emerald City of sobriety. We also learn that we cannot walk the path alone. There are still temptations, flying monkeys, people, places, and things calling us back to the darkness. However, as we follow the path, we first find the companion of serenity – the heart to love ourselves and others. A new heart also gives us the gift of forgiveness and acceptance. The second companion is the courage to move forwards even when encountering lions, tigers, and bears. It is courage which lets us turn over our lives, let go of character defects, and make amends. It is also courage that lets us pick up the phone or go to a meeting.
Who are Your Companions on the Road to Recovery?
(An earlier version of this story was first read on the SLAA inspiration line by the author)
Steve Devlin, PhD, EdM, CRS began his career as a counselor in the early 1980s before pursuing a research career in higher education. During the early 1990s, he directed a gerontology center at the University of Pennsylvania and was a Fellow at the Institute on Aging. He has been a life coach since 2009, two years after entering recovery. The focus of his coaching is finding hope and meaning to life, and is heavily influenced by the work of Victor Frankl. His interests also include quality of life for disenfranchised people, especially those facing challenges due to middle- and older-aging, health crises, and incarceration. Steve has an undergraduate degree from Dickinson College (B.A., Psychology, 1980), a Master’s degree from Boston University (EdM, Counseling Psychology, 1981), and a Doctorate from Temple University (PhD, Educational Psychology, 1991). He earned his Certified Recovery Coach (CRS) certification in 2013 and has a practice in the southeastern Pennsylvania and New Jersey region. Steve is a consultant with the Center for Outcome Analysis (Havertown PA) and serves on a regional board advocating for those with sexual addictions.
Blog Disclaimer
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) sponsors this blog for the purpose of furthering dialog in the field of problematic sexual behaviors and their treatment. Blog authors are encouraged to share their thoughts and share their knowledge. However, SASH does not necessarily endorse the content or conclusions of bloggers.
Information in blogs may not always be complete, up-to-date, accurate, relevant, or applicable to all situations. Legislation, case law, standards, regulations, descriptions of products and services, and other information are often complex and can change rapidly. Always double-check and confirm that any information you find on the internet is accurate, current, and complete in regard to your specific situation, question, concern, or interests.
This website and its agents make no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No legal or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. The inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement, recommendation, or approval of those sites or their contents. This website bears no responsibility for the accuracy, legality or content of the external sites or for that of subsequent links. Those who visit or use this website, links or any other information assume all risks associated therewith.
If you are reading this blog then you are likely here because someone you love has betrayed you with his or her harmful or compulsive sexual behavior. Perhaps the person who has hurt you is someone you deeply love and trusted most in this world - your husband or wife, or your fiancé or partner.
Discovering that your significant other is sexually compulsive and has been deliberately deceiving you with a secret sexual life is beyond heartbreaking; it shreds the relational fabric of connection and often leaves one feeling victimized, discarded, devalued and alone. 
Intimate partner betrayal is a unique wound that is bone deep. The trauma that the partner of a sex addict deals with is different than that of the spouse of a drug addict or alcoholic – not more or less painful, it is just a different type of emotional injury. Please understand that my intention is not to minimize the experience of any partner who has an addicted spouse. All addictions create suffering and have their distinct pain points.
The soul-searing wound for the spouse of a sex addict cuts so deeply because a six-pack of booze does not have a vagina, a penis or breasts. And a cheating spouse cannot have sex with a bottle of pills, or fall deeply and emotionally in love with a marijuana pipe.
Partners of sexually compulsive people often share the following feelings when learning that their beloved has been misleading them, cheating on them, or otherwise sexually betraying them:
As a Licensed Psychotherapist and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist I have seen the traumatic impact of deceptive and sexually compulsive behaviors on the partners and families of sex addicts up close. And I am a woman who has gone through my own healing from betrayal. I understand the enormous pain that the partner experiences first hand. I am especially empathetic toward the heartache that hurting partners deal with. I also understand just how important it is to seek support with a qualified therapist who is trained in sexual addiction. Isolating is not healthy – there is no need to hide.
Finding a counselor who understands the unique impact of intimate partner betrayal trauma and the subsequent agony that partners’ of sex addicts experience is a first important step in the healing journey.
Intimate betrayal trauma often feels like the death of a thousand cuts. Why? Because gas lighting is usually part of the sexually deceptive ritual of the addict.
Perhaps “Gas lighting” is a term that is new to you, or perhaps you’re all too familiar with this pattern of emotional abuse. Either way, you’ve likely experienced this if you are in a relationship with a sexually compulsive person.
Gas lighting is a form of emotional terrorism where the sex addict manipulates his or her partner by creating doubt – a verbal smoke and mirrors that leaves the partner feeling confused and paranoid.
In order to cover their tracks, sex addicts manipulate conversations and lie to their significant other in an effort to hide their deceptive behaviors, affairs, and addictions. By repeatedly denying the victims reality, they intentionally sow seeds of doubt – and do so very convincingly. The result is that the partner begins doubting his or her own perception.
Eventually, the betrayed spouse starts to distrust his or her own memory and sometimes, depending on the level of gas lighting, they begin to question their own emotional stability and sanity.
This brave partner shares her gas lighting story, a nightmare that spans several years,
“My husband would look me straight in the face, with tears in his eyes, and swear on our children that he would never cheat on me. Even though I had credit card statements from motels, and text messages from call girls, he would promise me that someone was trying to break us up. He was such a good liar! This went on for nearly 3 years.
After his constant gas lighting, I began to believe that what he was sharing must be true because he was so convincing. The stories that seemed so far fetched at the start became more and more believable. He would even show me notes that were written in lipstick by a “female stalker” threatening him and demanding money. This is how he covered his lies with the cash withdraws from our bank account. I started to believe that some awful woman was trying to set up or frame my husband. I was terrified that she would hurt him, or me and our children.”
After about a year of this, the hang-ups, the lies, the half-truths, the tears, the promises, I started experiencing insomnia, paranoia, and stomach problems. My doctor shared that I was under extreme stress and prescribed medication that left me feeling like a zombie. You would think that him seeing my health disintegrating would have created enough guilt and he would have stopped acting out with prostitutes and call girls.
Nope!
Instead, he took advantage of my fragile condition and began staying out later and more frequently. His excuse was that he wanted me to have peace of mind knowing that the “crazy woman” who was stalking him would not be spying on our home if he wasn’t there.
Only when irrefutable proof arrived through a phone call from a trusted friend who had video taped my husband at a strip club, did I finally wake up. I know that some people will think I was a fool, but he was so manipulative. And I was blinded by my love for him.
Once I realized that he was lying, I had him followed, and attached a GPS to his car. Within 2 weeks I had all the proof I needed that every thing I had suspected and worse was happening. He had secret profiles on hook up sites, he had a PO box, he had a second phone, and even a secret credit card. He’d been acting out with prostitutes – male and female – for over 5 years, maybe longer.”
I filed for a separation and I kicked him out. We’ve both been in therapy and 12 step support groups over the last year. I still don’t know if I can forgive him or ever trust him again. These days, with the help of my therapist who is experienced in partner trauma, I am focused on healing all of the damage he has caused me. He is working with his own sex addiction therapist, is in an SAA 12 step group, and is focusing on his own recovery work. If he would not have done this, I would have divorced him.
Time will tell if our marriage will survive. It will depend on how committed he is to his recovery and to being completely truthful with himself and with me. Until then, I continue to use the tools that I am learning in therapy.”
Partners often say, “Why should I go to therapy, I am not the one with the addiction! I did not cause this mess!” Or, “My story is not as bad as his/her story, maybe we don’t really need therapy at all.” I understand the resistance and resentment; I said the same thing at the start of my own healing process.
However, being in an intimate relationship with a sexually compulsive person is a traumatic wounding, and it is emotional abusive. You deserve to have the opportunity to heal and focus on yourself for a change, instead of being consumed by and focused on your partner’s addiction – walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You deserve to have your pain validated. And you most certainly deserve to work with a supportive counselor who is both empathetic and experienced in helping partners of sex addicts heal.
A compassionate therapist will help you learn the tools you need to move forward in order to step out of the darkness of despair – whether or not you choose to stay in your relationship or marriage.
No matter how broken you are feeling right now, you don’t have to do this healing work all by yourself. As I often say to my clients, “The most important relationship that you’ll ever be in, besides the one with your higher power, is the relationship with yourself.”
In closing, I hope this blog has been a beacon of light during this stormy chapter of your life. Perhaps what you’ve read here today is a first small step in taking back your mental and emotional well-being. Every little step counts!
As I wrap up, know that I wish you all the best on your journey forward. It’s not an easy road, but healing is possible – please trust that.
With kindness,
Mari A. Lee, LMFT, CSAT-S
Mari A. Lee, LMFT, CSAT-S is a therapist, speaker and coach in Glendora California. Her books, retreats and therapeutic practice has helped many partners recover from betrayal. www.GrowthCounselingServices.com
If you are would like to learn more about what you can do next to support yourself in moving forward, get her e-book, “Healing Betrayal: First Steps for Partners and Spouses of Sex and Pornography Addicts”.
It will offer you a focused road map, a check list, a boundaries exercise, a sample letter, resources, and includes a chapter on sex addiction and first steps for the addict. Download that here as a support to your own recovery: http://www.thecounselorscoach.com/healing-betrayal-e-book-partners-of-sex-addicts
References
Carnes, Lee, & Rodriquez (2012), Facing Heartbreak (1sted.),Gentle Path Press.
Rosenberg & Curtiss Feder, (2014), Behavioral Addictions: Criteria, Evidence and Treatment, Academic Press.
Hentsch-Cowles & Brock, (2013), A Systemic Review of the Literature on the Role of the Partner of the Sex Addict, Treatment Models, and a Call for Research for Systems Theory Model in Treating the Partner, Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity The Journal of Treatment & Prevention Volume 20, 2013 - Issue 4
Blog Disclaimer
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) sponsors this blog for the purpose of furthering dialog in the field of problematic sexual behaviors and their treatment. Blog authors are encouraged to share their thoughts and share their knowledge. However, SASH does not necessarily endorse the content or conclusions of bloggers.
Information in blogs may not always be complete, up-to-date, accurate, relevant, or applicable to all situations. Legislation, case law, standards, regulations, descriptions of products and services, and other information are often complex and can change rapidly. Always double-check and confirm that any information you find on the internet is accurate, current, and complete in regard to your specific situation, question, concern, or interests.
This website and its agents make no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No legal or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. The inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement, recommendation, or approval of those sites or their contents. This website bears no responsibility for the accuracy, legality or content of the external sites or for that of subsequent links. Those who visit or use this website, links or any other information assume all risks associated therewith.
Helping couples dealing with sexual betrayal navigate the process of getting to, going through, and healing after disclosure is a complex process, demanding a high level of skill, wisdom, adaptability, and structure on the part of the therapist.
Disclosure, as a key phase in the recovery process for both the cheating partner and the betrayed partner, should not be simplified and reduced to the task of ‘telling all the secrets.’ While the process does center around fully disclosing secret behaviors and information, the intention, purpose, and benefits of disclosure far exceed this single necessity. Disclosure, presented and experienced in a broader context, creates pivotal opportunities for healing on multiple levels for both individuals and potentially the relationship.
Disclosure allows the cheating partner, perhaps for the first time, to fully confront his or her sexual behaviors and the negative impact those behaviors have had on self and others. This facilitates healing of the compartmentalized, distorted thinking created by infidelity and creates an opportunity for a fuller integration and acceptance of the self. Disclosure provides an opportunity for the cheating partner to ‘unmask,’ beginning a process of discovering his or her true self and allowing that self to be known and encountered by others in often unprecedented ways.
In addition, by preparing and reading the disclosure document, the cheating partner learns how to take responsibility for his or her behavior, and to make amends for the impact of that behavior. Responsibility-taking that allows true connection with guilt, pain, and remorse while staying out of toxic shame is a key element of personal growth and long-term recovery. The disclosure process provides a meaningful and practical framework for learning this vital skill.
The process of preparing the cheating partner to read the disclosure statement is rich with opportunities for growth and healing. Learning how to regulate his or her emotional self in the face of great anxiety and trepidation, learning how to identify when coping responses of anger or defensiveness are hijacking the ability to stay present, learning how to connect feelings of empathy and compassion and risk, revealing those feelings to the partner, learning how to individuate by holding onto his or her own reality while hearing and responding to the partner’s reality: These are all essential relational skills, and disclosure provides a crucible for accelerated experiential learning and development of these abilities for the disclosing client.
When the betrayed partner receives full disclosure about the secrets and lies that have marred the relationship, he or she often experiences a profound validation of his or her inner reality. Things that previously were unclear and confusing are now clear and make sense. This validation provides a path to restored and repaired self-trust for the partner. In this way, the partner’s sense of agency and empowerment in making decisions, taking care of the self, and wisely discerning the path forward are supported and strengthened.
The process of preparing the betrayed partner to hear the full truth is rich with opportunities for growth. As the partner anticipates the information to be revealed, he or she can identify areas of betrayal blindness that are rooted in attachment fears. At the same time, the partner can strengthen his or her resilience and ability to face the full reality of the relationship. Preparing the betrayed partner to respond with questions, boundaries, and information about the impact of the infidelity creates opportunities for the partner to learn how to use his or her most empowered voice while staying grounded in the deepest truth.
Finally, as the betrayed partner grapples with the blow to self-esteem created by being cheated on and lied to, there is an opportunity for the partner’s understanding of true and inherent worth to develop—for an unshakable core sense of self to grow and expand. The hidden gift in the blow of betrayal is the potential for true self-esteem, rooted in inherent worth, to blossom and change the partner’s life in innumerable ways going forward.
As therapists, it is our job to look beyond the surface of disclosure and to think deeply about how we can utilize this tender process to create and foster significant growth, behavioral change, and spiritual and relational transformation in the lives of our clients. Disclosure is a process that is endlessly rich with opportunities we can leverage to facilitate a wide spectrum of healing. But this only happens when we, as therapists, slow down and think about the deeper meaning and opportunities that are being presented to us and our clients.
Michelle Mays LPC, CSAT-S is the founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Relational Recovery with offices in Leesburg, VA and Washington, DC. She has developed two new resources to support therapists and clients with the process of disclosure: the Relational Recovery Disclosure Prep Manual and the Relational Recovery Disclosure Prep Workshop Kit. She is also the founder of PartnerHope, a resource site providing hope and help to betrayed partners.
Blog Disclaimer
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) sponsors this blog for the purpose of furthering dialog in the field of problematic sexual behaviors and their treatment. Blog authors are encouraged to share their thoughts and share their knowledge. However, SASH does not necessarily endorse the content or conclusions of bloggers.
Information in blogs may not always be complete, up-to-date, accurate, relevant, or applicable to all situations. Legislation, case law, standards, regulations, descriptions of products and services, and other information are often complex and can change rapidly. Always double-check and confirm that any information you find on the internet is accurate, current, and complete in regard to your specific situation, question, concern, or interests.
This website and its agents make no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No legal or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. The inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement, recommendation, or approval of those sites or their contents. This website bears no responsibility for the accuracy, legality or content of the external sites or for that of subsequent links. Those who visit or use this website, links or any other information assume all risks associated therewith.
During my 8½ year tenure at PCS (Psychological Counseling Services, Ltd) I sat in many sessions during the PCS intensives with some clients (most clients were from out-of-state) who expressed their reluctance to step outside their zone of familiarity. They were sitting in the middle of an extensive and extended outpatient treatment process with others and seemingly having strong insights and meaningful awareness as it pertains to their particular addiction or situation. Yet, these particular clients were expressly reluctant to plan on staying connected to their new peers at that time with whom they had been open and transparent and the peers themselves had been vulnerable and deeply honest about their pasts and painful choices. Equally these clients were adamant that back home they hadn’t been connecting with their peers outside of their regular recovery meetings either. These clients expressed various ways that they weren’t good at that sort of thing nor were they comfortable with that. Curious, I regularly inquired as to the hesitation to form bonds of support back home or with their new PCS peers beyond that current week, as this was often a recommendation for increased likelihood of recovery and accountability. These clients stated things such as, “I have tried inviting my peers to go out or to hang out after hours but they have declined or couldn’t. I am certain that if they would go with me then I would find that more comfortable for me to ask them to exchange numbers for continued contact after the Intensive we are in.” But due to their peers not taking these clients up on their offers, even for legitimate reasons, these clients would express that they had done their part and that was that, and nothing more could be done… and this was often about as far as they would try even back home.
“Oh really?” I would say. And in many of those moments I was struck with a memory of an old parable I would share of a man searching for wisdom from a great master guru and the lesson of fighting for your life despite limitations, doubts, and fears, culminating with the thought…
After recounting this parable and its message I would look into these clients’ eyes and say, “When you want your marriage, your integrity, your family, your health, and your recovery as much as you want to breathe… that’s when you’ll do whatever it takes, no matter the discomfort or unfamiliarity. To this they would typically sit there at that point, quiet and pensive… and eventually respond with something to the effect of… “Mark, that’s a hard truth to hear… and even harder to ignore. "I know what I need to do. But how do I do it?” To that I would say, “I’m so glad you asked, because there is hope!” And that is when the next level of their work continued.
These clients are no different from average citizens. As humans go we tend to stick with the familiar and comfortable. However, as experience has taught us, it is the adversity, the discomfort, and the challenge that pushes us to new and greater heights. This was so in my own healing journey, and so it has been for so many of my clients along the path of my career. Thus, I look forward to many more of them being encouraged and challenged to step beyond the familiar and into the initially uncomfortable recovery path.
Mark Bell, LMFT, CSAT: a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT) and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) currently with Arizona Family Institute whose career includes almost 9 years at Psychological Counseling Services in Scottsdale, AZ as a member of the PCS Intensive Outpatient Program and nearly 3 years as a primary therapist in Hattiesburg, MS at Gentle Path, an in-patient treatment center for Sexual Addiction under the direction of Dr. Patrick Carnes. Most importantly, Mark has been married 14 years to his wife, Dyan, and together they are the parents of 5 kids… all boys!" You can find out more about Mark and his practice at Arizona Family Institute.
Blog Disclaimer
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) sponsors this blog for the purpose of furthering dialog in the field of problematic sexual behaviors and their treatment. Blog authors are encouraged to share their thoughts and share their knowledge. However, SASH does not necessarily endorse the content or conclusions of bloggers.
Information in blogs may not always be complete, up-to-date, accurate, relevant, or applicable to all situations. Legislation, case law, standards, regulations, descriptions of products and services, and other information are often complex and can change rapidly. Always double-check and confirm that any information you find on the internet is accurate, current, and complete in regard to your specific situation, question, concern, or interests.
This website and its agents make no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No legal or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. The inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement, recommendation, or approval of those sites or their contents. This website bears no responsibility for the accuracy, legality or content of the external sites or for that of subsequent links. Those who visit or use this website, links or any other information assume all risks associated therewith.
